judgementkazzy | inbox//recolle;

It was...

[ How is he supposed to even say this? Like, how do you even broach... the subject... Kiryu places his hand on Majima's, twining their fingers. ]

It started with me talking to this guy. About the Tojo Clan, and about Daigo... I was turning my back on them.

[ Obviously there's more but Kiryu's working this out slowly. He's also super disappointed in himself, even understanding his motivations back then. Why the hell would he do this?? ]

[ kiryu seems more upset than just turning his back on the tojo clan or even on daigo. of course, that's maybe because they dont remember everything about their obligations to either of them, but ... ]

Ya must've had your reasons.

I think I was just being stubborn. I remember... it was supposed to be my responsibility. But I was running away.

[ He looks over at Majima, then back down at their hands. ]

I was... until I changed my mind.

What made ya change?

I heard something on the radio. Something I couldn't...

[ He shakes his head, obviously struggling with this part. This is why he's so upset. ]

It was something I couldn't ignore.

[ Something even the hardened Dragon of Dojima had to go and have an angst shower about. ]

Ah, Kiryu-chan don't leave me hangin' here. What'd ya hear? It had ta be somethin' pretty bad ta get all ya worked up like this.

I don't -- Majima, they said...

[ He looks over at him, turning his head. He loves Majima so much. If he lost him, what would he do? It's all he's been thinking about since he got back this memory, and it's all he can think about even now. ]

They said you were dead.

[ for a moment, majima definitely looks shocked. how else would he react? he thinks of that man -- sagawa -- with his hands around his neck, threatening to kill him. he thinks about the torture while he'd screamed at his boss for some kind of relief and about getting arrested. maybe it shouldn't be surprising that he died, considering it seemed like every other memory he got he was practically asking for it either through poor actions or actual want. besides, they were yakuza - what kind life could they really claim? they'd both remembered each other older, after all.

there's another piece, though. the way he felt when he'd told sagawa he was going to live crazier than anyone. the deep, consuming sadness about that moment he hadn't told kiryu about. how he somehow always managed to leave out the emotional content when he told stories of his memories. maybe, for all kiryu was worried he was the one who didn't know how to tell these things, it was majima who was truly the one lying by omission. he still hadn't even told kiryu about the torture, and...the truth is, he knows he's wanted to die for awhile now. it's true in his memories, where he feels this underlying current of something he can't quite put his finger on, and it's been true in recollé, too. ever since his brother went to jail - he'd spent two years fighting nonstop like maybe the pain might ever be worse than the way it felt on the inside. like maybe it'd be enough to stop him from feeling so awful all the time.

but it never had. no matter how much he'd wanted to die, though, he'd never be able to do it. in way...in an awful, horrible, twisted way, what kiryu says is almost a relief. like one day this terrible pain would stop and it'd finally be over. and, so, after the initial shock, majima relaxes a little. he squeezes kiryu's hand and brings his free hand up to kiryu's face, gently running his thumb along his cheekbone.

the worst part is that kiryu wasn't there - and he figures kiryu feels pretty guilty about that. but considering they hadn't talked for like two years, maybe it's not that surprising. but that part does hurt. maybe it was for the best. or maybe it was just what he deserved. ]

It's okay. We were gettin' ta be old men, anyway, right? Can't expect Yakuza ta live forever.

No, Majima, that's not... I would never let that happen.

[ But he did, and he remembers the guilt he felt, the weight of his inaction even in the memory. It's true they lived a dangerous life, it should have come as no surprise, but it still hurt. It was a shock. Majima was supposed to live. He remembers sitting in his car, being so powerless and frustrated and sad that the words wouldn't come.

It was obvious he'd taken Majima for granted. His safety isn't just a given, that much Kiryu knows now. He reaches up and sets a hand on the back of Majima's neck, keeping him close. ]

I won't let that happen.

It's not somethin' ya gotta control.

[ he tries to offer him a smile - he doesn't know what'll help to calm kiryu down from what's obviously both a lot of fear and a lot of guilt. funny, how often he's in situations where he's helping another person instead of taking care of himself. but he'd never see it that way.]

Still.

[ He shakes his head, still leaning in close. Majima's not the one who should be comforting him here, it should be the other way around. ]

I can handle the rest. I can't let you die.

Maybe I wasn't dead, or...

[ he doesn't sound very certain of it, even as he offers it as an option. ]

I don't know. I do know it's not your fault, though.

Maybe...

[ Their lives were certainly crazy enough for them to need to fake their own deaths, probably. ]

I should have been there for you. Instead I was... driving some taxi or something. I could have done more.

[ Why is Kiryu such a jerk in Yakuza 5..... ]

Kiryu-chan, if I died it was through my own damn mistakes. It woulda happened whether or not you'd been there.

We're supposed to be family, though. I wasn't there for you.

[ I mean, they're in the Tojo Clan together, that much is obvious. Kiryu just needs some time to make this about himself... ]

Ya had your own life, Kiryu. It wasn't always about me. An' that's -- that's fine. It didn't haveta be.

[ Kiryu knows Majima's right, for all that they remember being close and sharing so many things. Still, the way things are now is better. It'll be better if he can prevent anything like that from happening. ]

It won't happen like that this time.

[ majima's quiet for a long moment while he thinks this over. thinks about how kiryu might act after this. what it'll mean for both of them. finally, when he speaks, his voice is confident and sure: ]

I want ya ta promise me somethin'.

[ Kiryu responds quickly, wanting to do as Majima asks. ]

What is it?

[ majima looks at him, strong and meaningfully. ]

Promise me that ya aren't gonna go followin' me around like I'm some kinda breakable object.

[ Kiryu's eyes widen in surprise. He can't say he wasn't thinking it, but Majima must know him pretty well to have called it. ]

I... no, I won't do that.

[ He shakes his head again. ]

I know you're strong, Majima. I know things are different here.

[ he does know kiryu pretty well. but he's glad kiryu isn't stubborn and agrees to the promise. he squeezes his hand. he's not done yet. ]

Promise me, ta the best of your ability, that ya won't hold onta this regret.

I'll try.

[ He squeezes Majima's hand, keeping his eyes trained on his. Majima had lost an eye to all this. He knows what he's talking about. ]

It's... It's like what you said. With a life like ours, it was bound to happen.

[ He pauses, collecting his thoughts. ]

I'll try, Majima.

That's right.

[ he leans forward and kisses kiryu on the lips, slow and drawn out before pulling away just enough to talk to him. ]

I'm here, now. An' I'm yours, as long as you'll have me.

[ He can't ask Majima to be careful, or to ask him for help if he ever suspects he's in real danger. Those things aren't realistic for who they are, and Kiryu knows he wouldn't want to change Majima. He loves him for who he is. ]

Okay.

[ Kiryu kisses back, languidly tasting Majima like he might memorize him like this. ]

Me too. That's not gonna change.

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cw; suicide ideation, torture, generally awful things

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